Don't Throw Away Your Cross

I had a dream.. early Tuesday morning... in the dream there were crosses everywhere.. some were wooden and plain and laid against the wall.. some were glass, some porcelain, some were ornate and some were actually hanging on the wall... one of them I went to, and read it, and it said that you couldn't throw your cross away... and I looked at my shoulder, and I could see the grooves in my skin from where I had been carrying my cross... and I remember thinking, it is so heavy.. and I really wanted to be rid of that cross.. then I woke up...

I've been meditating on this dream since I had it, but I immediately knew what it meant... Mark 8:34 states "Then he called the crowd to him along with his disciples and said: "If anyone would come after me, he must deny himself and take up his cross and follow me."

In this passage, Jesus had just predicted his death. Peter pulled him aside and was basically telling Jesus to stop saying that, Jesus said to Peter, get behind me Satan, you do not have in mind the things of God, but the things of men. (Mark 8:33) It is difficult as we sojourn in this earthly place with spirit goals to remember the cost of the cross. The things we have to give up, the seemingly fun things we forgo in the name of kingdom living.. in the name of taking up our cross. In Mark 8:36, Jesus asks, what good is it for us if we gain the whole world, and forfeit our soul in the name of possessions, in the name of having our "own" life.

I know I have been weary lately, I believe it is evident in my dream in the grooves in my shoulder from carrying the cross.. my cross, that I must bear daily, not for myself, but because I truly believe in a Most High God, that asks this of me, not to torture me, but for the good of all he has created.

I sometimes look at my situation, and wonder what does it profit me. I think of this, especially when frustration sets in and I feel like my work is in vain. Sometimes I just want to be free.. but what really would I gain? There is an inner yearning in me to accomplish these crazy wild visions... something I cannot let go of.. so I bear the grooves in my shoulders, carry my cross and walk on... I truly believe that I am loosing my life for the gospel... I'm watching all the I wannas go down the drain. This is not some kind of happy happy joy joy experience on a Sunday morning to get you to pay your tithes like a good little christian... this is, relationship.. ups and downs, heartaches and physical pain... This is Jesus, knowing he was about to die in a very painful manner, shouldering his cross for the burden of the world. This is me finally understanding what it means to be committed to a life that honors God. Not that it makes me super holy, but it is sobering. And you know something else it is... o.k.

A lot of times I get bored with some christian writers cause I feel like they sugar coat what it means to be a follower so it doesn't scare people off... but you know, this road gets a little dirty, you break some nails and you get sweaty.. but I TRULY believe it is worth it. So no matter how fragile, or how rough yours is... Don't throw away your cross.

Who's the Master?

On Saturday afternoon, I went to a financial seminar hosted by a few friends of mine. As part of my better me campaign I knew I needed to get my finances in order and start putting my money in some sort of investment/savings strategy to provide for my future, including children I don't have yet and a retirement that is at least 35 years away. There was a lot of information presented, nothing too detailed just enough information for me to know that there was a lot to be done. I didn't feel worried when I left, but the wheels in my head were definitely turning. On Monday morning, I woke up with a scripture in my head. Matthew 6:24 states "No one can serve two masters. Either he will hate the one and love the other, or he will be devoted to the one and despise the other. You cannot serve both God and Money." I cannot explain to you the dismay I felt when I looked this scripture up and found out exactly what it said. I was mortified. Was God telling me that I was worshiping money. This went against every idea I've had of myself. In my way of thinking, I don't cheat people to get money, I am not willing to debase myself in order for earthly gain, nor, by my calculation or remembrance am I always chasing money. For about 24 hours, I was in a state of wretchedness about the implications of that scripture. Subsequently, since the drama in my head has died down, the spirit of God has been able to illuminate exactly what that scripture means for me and where I am in my spiritual and financial development.

The scripture says, no one can serve two masters. In the word master is the beginning of my problem. I am not master of my money. I patch things up, make decisions for now and regard my savings as something for my own pleasure. If I am not master of my money, then it only stands to reason that money is master of me. I am serving money, and money is not serving me. So though I may not stand on the extreme and personify the person the O'Jays so passionately sang about in their seminal tune "For the Love of Money" I am still yet a servant with two masters.

Once understanding convicted me, I came into agreement with God and asked him to show me how to put money where it belongs, as a servant to me and not me a servant to it. I know that money, like emotion, makes a poor master. There are thought patterns and behaviours ingrained in me from a tumultuous lack filled childhood that I must overcome in order to truly be a master over money. In the end, the goal remains the same, to insure that God, the Most High is the only god I serve on this journey to be the best me possible. I'll tell you how it all turns out.

What You Know About Lust?

This one is more personal, I posted it on my Facebook page, thought I'd put it here as well... blessings.

So... as many of you who know me know, I've been in becoming the woman I see in my head mode. Let me tell you, it's been a beast. I've realized some things about myself, 1 - I am lazy.. for real, I've been doing just enough to get by so long that it looks like I'm really trying to most people, and really, what I've been doing is half-ing it... So I accepted the challenge to not procrastinate... it's been a doozie! I've committed myself to wiping out the little foxes (that spoil the vines, See Song of Solomon) and it has exposed just how mediocre I've been.

A new challenge along with that has been to eat right, to treat my body like it is important, because, to accomplish the things I see in my head, it is! What I had noticed was an inability to get that habit down. I kept finding myself at the vending machine, or getting ice cream, or bringing my lunch and still going out to buy it. So I focused on my choices, and hit it up one choice at a time, and that works in some cases, but not in all. So that forced me to dig even deeper, and I discovered something about myself that I really wasn't aware of... I'm lustful.

Now generally we think of lust in a sexual sense... but I haven't been sexual, I made a commitment to shut it down until purpose and I are united in matrimony. So, lust should be outta there right.. not so fast, lust is not being satisfied with now. It is longing for what the eye sees. I lust after cars, other people's shapes and size, lust after homes, and all these things I believe I need, that keeps me from being satisfied with now. I also, lust after food. Once I realized that, I confessed it to God, and prayed for His way of getting past the sickness in my spirit, cause that's where the true problems lie. It's not the actions per se, but the underlying spiritual impetus that leads us to the behaviors we exhibit.

As a spiritual construct, when someone is delivered from something, they have to be delivered to something, less that space becomes clean, but empty and ready to be filled with the same spirit again, only stronger and harder to clean. So this morning, I put in google, what is the opposite of lust... and I found a great article on busted halo (http://www.bustedhalo.com/features/the-opposite-of-lust/) that states the opposite of lust is vulnerability... and that's why I am writing this note, cause that knocked me out like that one punch you needed to lose on Mike Tyson's punch out (Viva Nintendo!).

I am a guarded soul. Life in its harshness has taught me in my need to self protect (to preserve a sense of myself) that I need to keep my guard up. Vulnerability fills me with a sort of primal fear that cavemen must have felt when faced with a raptor. It is the kind of thing I know I need in order to unite with purpose, but never really had to face until now. Irony upon ironies (because God really does have a sense of humor) is right now at Awakenings we are talking about facing our fear. So now I am committed as I look away from lust to vulnerability to face my fear of letting people in my inner space. Letting the guard down and forming deeper relationships. Allowing myself to be vulnerable to attack and trusting God to be my protector and vindicator. It's some kind of serious the things that I am experiencing these days. It is exciting, but extremely difficult to face your raggedy and begin to actually go forward in full effort to work on these strongholds that I've always believed was just a part of who I was.

From Fear to Belief

I believe fear to be one of the key blocks to being a better me. I struggle with fear on so many levels that it is nearly crippling. I am grateful for awareness,that I see how fear hinders my forward progression. The anxiety (which is a form of fear, along with dread and procrastination) produced when I succumb to my fear amplifies it's affects and produces physical results that further hinder my growth, thus becoming a toxic cycle of fear, anxiety and guilt. It is a cycle however that I am so aware of, I am following the cues of the spirit of God inside of me to bring this cycle to an end. Fear, I believe is my thorn. It keeps me in check, it is only by God's grace that I am able to see beyond my fear and embark on those assignments that are mine to tackle and that will bring glory to God and expose others to the righteousness, peace and joy that is the kingdom of God.

As a part of the thematic movement at The Awakenings Movement where I attend worship services and participate with a community of believers and workers for God's kingdom on earth, we are currently in a thematic movement called The Ripple Effect. The first part of The Ripple Effect was called Love Out Loud. We we learned to Love God, Family, Friends, Coworkers, Strangers and Ourselves out loud. Intentionally being the start of a ripple of Love throughout the community. We have continued to a second part of The Ripple Effect called, Conversations. We are learning to have hard conversations with God, Jesus and The Holy Spirit. Lastly we will learn to have hard conversations with other people. Today we talked about the Holy Spirit, which really illuminated the role that the Holy Spirit plays in my life when it comes to getting past fear. I think a lot of times when we need deliverance and desire a change in our lives and pray to God for an answer, we expect it to supernaturally disappear. When Paul prayed for God to remove the thorn from his flesh, he said he received an answer from God that many of us aren't ready to hear. God wasn't going to remove the thorn, but told Paul that the Grace given to him from God was sufficient to get him past any thorn in his flesh. It's a tough pill to swallow that the problem won't magically go away. The upside is, that God is offering Himself through relationship to be your companion as you walk through this life and that His Grace, the power of His Holy Spirit is available to take us through the things that plague us.

I had a revelation today regarding my thorn. I keep wanting God to just take it away. I don't want to even experience the fear. I hate feeling like an idiot each time I allow fear to hinder what I know God is directing me to do. But what I learned today is that the through my continual engagement with God, through our relationship, I can overcome and walk forward with him into every situation that he allows me to face. So the fear may not go away, but I know without a doubt, he walks with me.

One of the challenges I've been given is to not procrastinate. I know that I procrastinate out of fear. Through this challenge I am invited to engage in a new level of dependence on God's spirit to lead me, and to support me in the area of my weakness. It scares me, because I do not want to fail. I will not allow that fear to stand in the way of a new belief that I had always said, but I had not really believed... I can do all things through Christ Jesus who strengthens me.

Waking Dreams

I think sometimes we spend so much time fantasizing about how good things could be, we don't recognize when they are becoming what we always believe they could. I know that sentence is a little convoluted, but all I am trying to say: our day dreams do activate things, and cause us to make changes in the way we behave, thus helping us to achieve what we've always imagined we could. What happens to many of us all too often is that we're so busy looking for things to be exactly as we've imagined them that we miss the reality of our waking dreams coming true.

I've been thinking a lot lately about becoming the woman I always imagined I could. What I am recognizing is that in many ways, I am becoming her. She gets compliments about the things I've always wanted to be, and to behave. Other people notice that I am becoming the woman of my dreams, why is it so hard for me to recognize her in the mirror. The word says that as a man (or woman for that matter) thinks.. so is he. If I think of myself as strong, and healthy, well taken care of and highly productive while walking in my purpose.. then my actions tend to follow those thoughts. Oftentimes, I am so hard on myself that I miss the small milestones that I make in my journey and see my plight in such a negative light that I forget to celebrate my progress.

If you are like me, your own worse task master, I encourage you to look at who you've always wanted to become and what you've always wanted to accomplish and celebrate your milestones. I have committed my mind to that for a few days.. not to be contented to stay there, but to encourage myself to reach further and tackle more goals. I am also doing it so that I may see the journey as something to celebrate and not something to lament. Growth is a process... but I am so grateful that my dreams are coming true in my waking hours. That's encouragement in itself!

Irreverently Yours

I have a bad habit of running my mouth. It isn't wholly a bad habit, it's just that sometimes the wrong things come out of my mouth. I am sure it amounts to a spiritual disease of the tongue. I don't mean to be visceral in all things sacred or otherwise, but that's usually what gets the point across. I can cut people down with the same efficiency and with the same tongue that can build them up. I honestly believe I use my mouth more often than not to build people up. But, I am aware I will never really get it down to perfection. I am a lot more purposeful these days with my tongue. I now realize the real power that is wielded in a few ounces of flesh located in my mouth.

As of late, I've really begun to see just what kind of effect ill placed words can have on those around me, and can have on my life. So I am sharing my shame with you. I am also outwardly confessing my commitment to be as intentional as possible with what comes out of my mouth, as well as what goes into it. Jesus told us that what comes out the mouth defiles the body and not what goes into the mouth. Many of us are preoccupied by what we eat and what we drink, but we really don't think about how what we say affects others. Not only that, the word tells us that life and death are in the tongue, so we can speak life or death to the situations in our own lives through what we say. So as I explore this journey of speaking life with my tongue and not the language of sarcasm and cynicism... I challenge you to do the same. Let me know how it goes for you, and I'll keep you posted. sk

Desperately Seeking Contentment

Paul wrote that he had learned to be content no matter what the state he found himself. (Phil 4:11-12) I have been thinking a lot about his statements as of late, and have committed my heart to the pursuit of contentment. There is so much talk about happiness and what it takes to achieve it and furthermore what would be required to maintain it. Happiness we know is fleeting and requires many variables in order to be maintained. I think it can be inferred from Paul’s statement that contentment was a learned behavior, something one would have to train their mind in order to obtain and to maintain.

I think a key component in learning contentment is to realize that in the end, we really have little control over most circumstances. Sometimes our actions instigate a reaction, but often time things happen to us that we have little to no control over at all. Our company downsizes, and we are part of the size that’s going down, or we have an auto accident that causes us to lose our transportation… any number of things can cause our situation to change. Our challenge, when circumstances change, for better or for worse is to find contentment in our present. I know often we think of the challenge of finding contentment when things are not going according to plan, but we must also learn a spirit of gratefulness when things are going according to plan. Ironic isn’t it. Oftentimes, I encounter people whose lives are going down an almost charmed path yet they feel uneasy as if something is going to come along and drastically change their happy into sad, so that even in the times of plenty, they are not content because of a sense of foreboding that inhibits them from fully enjoying the state that they’ve found themselves.

So how do we learn contentment? I believe it begins with training our minds towards gratefulness. When we cultivate the spirit of thanksgiving in our lives, even for small things, we teach our brain to think of our situations as an opportunity to recognize God’s goodness and grace in our everyday situations. In Simple Abundance, by Sarah Ban Breathnach, it is suggested that we keep a gratitude journal and each day write down at least five things for which we are thankful. I think if we do that and follow Paul’s other advice to find whatever is beautiful (Phil 4:8) and focus on those things, we can learn to be content, no matter what situation in which we find ourselves. I am up to the challenge, I hope that you are as well. Blessings… sk

The How in Your Wait

I was having a conversation with an artisan friend of mine, Michael K. Taylor and we got on the subject of patience. We were dissecting the word and how no matter what happens you have to wait. The conclusion we came to is that patience isn't the wait itself... for the wait itself is inevitable, but patience is the "how" in your wait.

I am waiting on a lot of things to come to pass in my life. A lot of sincere prayers that I've laid at the feet of the Most High and I am waiting on the answers and the outcome. As I am waiting on the answers, I find other things to do. My focus is on the last instructions I've received and doing my very best to be obedient to those things. My "How" in my wait most days is with expectancy and in faith. There are days however when my "How" gets more than a little raggedy. You see.. the longer the wait for the fullness of God's time.. the longer we have to doubt and to see reasons why it shouldn't or couldn't be. This wait also offers more opportunities for our faith to be matured. James 1:4 tells us to let patience have her perfect work so that we would be made mature and lacking in nothing. There is something about delayed gratification that brings about a change in the way we view things. It gives us a new set of priorities and it helps us to realize just how much this world is not all about what we want, need and think we have to have. We learn a lot about our character when we are forced to wait. We get insight into who we are and what about us is stank and needs to be made over.

I am grateful for my wait. I can say that with honesty because I have been challenged and continue to be challenged in my faith and trust in a God that wants my best. Not to make me happy, but to fill me with true joy. I am learning each day as I await the Most High's fulfillment of time that who I am is stronger than I ever thought possible, and that is because patience is working me over so that I may be mature and lacking in nothing.

It is not a matter of if we have to wait... it's how we wait. Let Patience work you over... make the decision to change how you wait.

The Greatest Love of All

In the end... we're here to do really one thing.. LOVE... Love God, Love ourselves and Love others... all of our actions generally stream out of what or whom we love. We commit ourselves to certain actions to strive to meet the needs of what we love. Sometimes this love is healthy, sometimes destructive, but in the end, the motivation is love... love of self, love of affection from others... etc.. So why don't we focus on the Greatest Love of All.. recognizing the DIVINE that lives in us and wants us to love ourselves enough to seek HIM/HER and love the Most High. We make it so complicated but in the end that's what it's all about. The ultimate love we've been searching for has been hiding in us all along. Isn't that miraculous?!

I had focused on commitment for most of 2008, committing myself to the things that bring life to my life. The things that make the most of who the Most High has created me to be, and now, that foundation is solid (by the GRACE and POWER of the Most High). On that foundation we are building a whole new life. (We meaning the Most High and I, I find myself saying WE a lot lately) A life that is built on truth and authenticity and being all that the Most High has poured into me for the betterment of the world. The challenge I issue to anyone who's eyes happen to make it across these words, what do your actions say about who and what you love? Is that who you believed yourself to be? How do you change it?