Put On Your Mask First

I had a couple of conversations today with two different women about the same thing and it caused me to make it the subject of today’s meditation. When we are on the plane, and our lovely (or handsome) flight attendants give their safety spiel, at the point at which they describe the procedures for putting on your oxygen mask, they plainly instruct each individual that if they have someone who needs assistance to place their own masks on first, and then assist the person who requires assistance. The idea is, if you try to assist the other first, and something delays the action, such as the person is in distress or inconsolable... the more capable person would become incapable of helping themselves or the person for whom the help was initially needed. So I say today, put on your own mask first.

I speak to women mostly, because generally we are the nurturers, our energy is normally poured out. Anyone who serves others however may suffer from this infirmity. It is a sickness to think of yourself as so indispensable that you forget to take care of yourself. It is unhealthy and unwise to pour from an empty spirit. Many times we are coming up empty because we do not establish adequate boundaries. We don’t allow ourselves to tell people “no”, we don’t give our children bed times or set schedules for the smooth running of our households, we procrastinate or don’t make time for all the events we cram into our schedules. In the end, we are responsible for our over active lives. We could easily make time for the mental, physical and spiritual work that goes into having a healthy life if we’d take a long hard look at the commitments we make. A lot of those commitments look good on paper, endless rehearsals, games, recitals, concerts and even church functions fill our calendars and tell us how busy and important we are, but what are we really accomplishing with all those dates?

It is your decision to make whether or not you feel refreshed daily. Whether you take the time for meditation, whether you have an opportunity to talk to the Most High or whether you’re “too busy”. Complaining about being tired does not mean we are accomplishing anything. Take a long hard look at your commitments, and then begin to commit yourself to filling your well so that you may pour out into others from your own abundance. Stop scraping the bottom of the barrel. There is a life more abundant to live. Let’s choose to live it.

So You Want To Be Married?

Marriage is a beautiful institution ordained by God. It is the joining of two souls for the purpose of family and for fulfilling destiny. It is not to be entered into to fill empty space in your life, because you might as well, to get a ring or to have a wedding. It is to be taken seriously not as some magical romantic eraser of your loneliness. So often people approach marriage from such a selfish standpoint. It's all about what they need, but to truly have a prosperous marriage, selfishness will need to die, and the death will be painful!

Right now, as a part of the series at my church (The Awakenings Movement, Houston, TX) we are talking about rewriting raggedy rules for relationships. It is appropriate for me because over the last year, the idea of marriage has become less an idea and more a desire. After my last relationship, I decided that I was done being a "girlfriend." My desire is to be a wife. My decisions changed, the way I approached my friendships changed, the way I allowed men to interact with me changed. If I say I want to be a wife, then there are some standards that I must raise in order to fit the position. I didn't want to make superficial, surface changes. I wanted my changes to be lasting and to be a mirror of the type of person I want to attract into my life to share purpose. I began practicing the sacredness of union even in the midst of having no one anywhere near me to marry. I believe that is part of realizing the responsibility that comes along with a mate the Most High chooses for you.

So if you are a woman (or a man) for that matter who is proclaiming a desire to be wed, take it seriously. Let it be more than lip service. Commit your spirit to the Most High to be refined so that you may attract a Godly mate that is purposed for you and you two together can accomplish great things. If you are currently married, sanctify yourself once again to your marriage. Let that be a constant pursuit along with peace and forgiveness. We are equipped with the power to have healthy relationships, we just have to be willing to do the work. I committed to the idea of commitment, because of it my life has changed for the better, so I can only imagine the way the work I've done now will enhance my marriage once the fullness of time has come and I am ready to receive what the Most High God has for me.

A Heart That Trusts

It is easy to trust God when what we expect to happen is happening… but what about when things are going down that look nothing like the promise… It is a long journey I’ve found from vision to fruition. This journey can be filled with minute to minute heartbreak, simply because I’ve projected my plan on how the vision should come to pass on the situation. I’ve made it a priority that my reality be as I saw it in my head as soon as possible. I have learned and continue to be reminded that my time table and God’s time table don’t work the same way. This wait then becomes a stretching of my faith, and in turn increases my trust in the Most High. I recognize now more than ever that a sincere trust in the promises and the care of the Most High has to encounter some form of test in order to verify it’s strength.

I think all those greek myths had me believing that the Most High God behaved in the ways I’d always read those Greeks had encountered humanity. The Greek Gods were petty and merciless towards humanity… involving themselves in human activity in a way that was more power hungry than love oriented. I think many of us see the Most High in that way. That he plays cruel tricks on us for his amusement. That’s not the case. Any uncomfortable feelings we may experience, as much as we dislike being uncomfortable is for the purpose of our growth. It is a form of tilling the soil in our hearts so that something new may grow there. Not only will there be growth, but there will be fruit, and this fruit becomes sustenance to others who are on different parts of their spiritual journey. Nothing we experience is in vain.

So as we cultivate a heart that truly trusts the Most High God, we will have to be uncomfortable. We will feel a little lost and left alone. The truth is, a heart that really finds its delight in the Lord will not be swayed by circumstances. (That’s an excellent gauge to see where we stand on the trust spectrum). I was meditating this week on the three Hebrew men found in the book of Daniel. They said to the King, Our God is able to deliver us from your furnace, but even if he chooses not to, they’d rather die than to bow down to another god… How’s that for trust, despite the outcome, whether I live or die.. whether it works out the way I think it should or not… I still lay my trust down at the feet of the Most High.

The Illusion of Control

Really... who are we fooling. Do we serious believe that if we do x, then y and z will always follow because we want it to? Sometimes, the car breaks down at an inopportune time, someone extremely slow creeps their way into your lane while you're in a hurry... the computer crashes while you're trying to finish that last piece of your assignment(or type your blog, the irony!)... You name it, it happens, and the unfortunate realization (or fortunate depending on how you look at it) is we control none of it.. absolutely nothing. The only thing we have any real control over is the way we think.


Somewhere we mistakenly began to believe that we could control things, events and people. Maybe it was all that alone time with Barbie(or those little green army men) that fooled us into believing people would behave the way we desire. Whatever the cause, the cure is a full submission to the Master of the Universe... the Divine Creator that controls all, but still allows you to make your own decisions (how's that for discipline?) I read a wonderful book that you've probably heard of, 7 Habits of Highly Effective People by Stephen Covey. He has a chapter in the book that discusses how we have a circle of influence. There is only so much that we can change and the quicker we come to that realization, the more effective as a human being we will become.

It is tempting to fall into manipulative and controlling behavior when we are fearful and feeling insecure. Real growth is recognizing what triggers this behavior, how it feels, and stepping out of the illusion. No matter what is going on, I cannot puppeteer the world to march to my drum. I can only control my own thoughts. So let us work consciously on disciplining our minds to release the things that are out of our control. I think in the end, it will make us a lot less stressful. I'll let you know how it all turns out. You let me know how it works for you.

A Slice of Joy on the Side

What have you created for yourself today? I believe we create our own days despite our circumstances, not that circumstances create our day. I know there are difficult situations... death, sickness, financial upheaval, emotional distress and other earth shattering events that catapult your whole life into a place where there seems to be only darkness. I don't mean to make light of these situations; my admonition however is that even in the most difficult of situations.. we have to find our slice of joy in the midst of turmoil.

I've found quite often that people, on the outside looking in, believe nothing bothers me. That could not be further from the truth. A lot of things bother me... stress at work, a demanding job, worrying about money... many things. But I have learned and continue to re-learn that many of the things I worry about I have no ability to control. Since I can't control them, why exactly should I worrying about them?

The Bible says, that the Most High is well aware of what we need (Matthew 6). We make things so difficult and we say we are believers. Sometimes, finding joy is living like we believe and allowing the Most High to handle those things that we cannot handle. Sometimes, when I find myself overwhelmed, I walk away from what is causing me stress and just begin to talk to God about them. Like he is standing there in front of me and hearing everything I have to say. In my life, I believe he is... and when I am done... I thank him for the things that are going right.... the blessings I do have... This puts things into perspective and allows me to find that slice of joy on the side of a trying day.

I challenge you to develop an attitude of gratefulness so that you may find Your slice of joy. A little perspective goes a long way in being a better you! It takes the mind off of circumstances that can make us temporarily happy, into the eternal realm of God ordained gratefulness that gives our lives joy.

Disappoinment... An Appointment with Purpose

Whenever I find myself with a broken heart, it causes me to take inventory of a few things. 1. What were my real motives for my actions? 2. Had my expectations been voiced? 3. Were those expectations realistic? 4. Was I acting according to my true character and my God given purpose?

We all hate to deal with disappointment. It causes some of us to completely fall off the course and head into spirals of destructive behavior. Some of us lash out and try to take it out on others. No matter how we deal with disappointment, it is going to happen. Some disappointments inconvenience you.. still others cause your very foundations and beliefs to be questioned.

How do you deal with your disappointments? I am introspective in disappointments because I believe the pain I feel should teach me something. Not only about the character of the person who has disappointed me, but also about myself. It is also my sincere belief that disappointment is the fire of the kiln in the potter's house. The outside force that causes our impurities to come to surface, such as impure motives, poor communication, disillusionment and being off purpose. I believe some get a wide road to travel, but I have found that God does not deal with me in that way, that is not the nature of our relationship. HE is quick to show me just when I have traveled too off course, and many times disappointment is the sting that brings me back to the center of the road.

I challenge you to see your disappointments in a new light. Not as a punishment, but more as a divine appointment with the Supreme Life Coach to help you achieve your purpose. See the hurt as a chance to see where you need growth or healing. Let your disappointment teach you about you.

The Bitter With the Sweet

Since the first of November, I've been calling November 2008, "Sweet November". I was receiving all kinds of beautiful news that made my heart fill with joy for my friends and for the direction of my life. I am not ashamed to say that I am wary of extreme emotions. In fact, that level of excitement about life is something I do with caution, because I am accustomed to disappointment. Whenever too many good things happen at one time, I often look for the hammer to come... the other shoe to drop.

As I grow older, I realize that life has it's ups and downs. I've also learned that no period of down lasts too long and even in times where things are not going according to my plan, I can find things to smile about. I can find a song to sing to bring back the sunshine. So I am learning, even in the midst of "Sweet November" to enjoy my highs with childlike abandon and to learn that sometimes, there is some bitter mixed in with your sweet. Basic lesson huh? I know that on an intellectual level, but I realized that emotional I am consistently unprepared for life's upsets while I'm enjoying my sweet.

Today, I gave myself permission to continue to enjoy my sweet, even though disappointment nearly derailed my happy party. I am fully invested in a life of joy that surpasses temporary set backs. I realize how hesitant I've been to fully invest in joy because of my fear of sorrow. I want a better life than that for me. I am wearied of worrying about what will happen next and when the next disappointment will hit me. I commit to enjoying my sweet.

The Bit Characters

You know.. how in a movie, you see your hero/heroine and their immediate surroundings? The characters you are introduced to are there purely as plot points and you only see the other characters as they are needed to push the story along. When their part in the movie is over, that's their last scene, and those people go to the SAG office to find a new job. I was pondering this idea because I watch mostly the same movies over and over and I find myself saying (to myself of course) "Oh, that's her/his last scene" The director has the sense to know when that person's part in the story is over.

Do you know when a person's part in your story is over? So often we suffer in relationships because we are trying to keep track of the "bit characters" people who's part in our plot are over. This can show up in the form of unforgiveness... when we hold grudges for past wrongs and don't allow forgiveness or healing to come into our lives. That person has moved on.. remarried.. started a new life or in some cases died, yet we still carry the stain of the hurt they caused into our current lives, blocking the greatness that could be happening now over the pain that happened then.

We need to look at the credits in our lives... take a look at the cast of characters we allow to affect our plot and make some casting changes. Some characters really need to be cut off.

Know when to let go.

Accepting Imperfection

I once read a quote.. I think it was by Joyce Meyer, that imperfection was impatient with imperfection. It is an irony really. We are aware that no one is perfect, but that does not stop us from becoming incredibly angry, hurt or offended when someone has the audacity to show all their imperfection in our direction. Really.. how dare they! But the truth is, if we learn to be more patient with our own imperfections, it becomes the key to dealing with the imperfections of others.

If you've ever seen someone (yourself included!) rail someone out about their mistake, no matter how trivial, you are seeing someone expressing there inward displeasure with themselves in the way they are treating someone else. It's a sickness really... sometimes we are not cognizant of just how displeased we are with who we are personally. It takes self examination and self awareness to honestly deal with just how unhappy we are with our situations. A fair measurement though is to watch how we treat others. Are we quick to snap on someone who has done something we've deemed improper? Are we very judgmental? Do we not leave room for missteps? It is very possible we have this same judgment of ourselves. It is a real block to achieving peace and creating healthy self esteem.

There is a verse in the bible that says "Judge not, lest ye be judged". And I always believed that meant that other people were going to judge us the same way we judge others. But as I grow, I see yet another meaning. I think the same judgment we measure out to others is a direct reflection of how we judge ourselves. So I looked at that, and began to allow myself some leeway... room to be imperfect, to make mistakes. Instead of harping on my mistakes and holding them against me indefinitely, I am learning to forgive myself. It is as intense a project as learning to forgive others, in fact I think it is harder. The by product though I've noticed is a much more relaxed view of others. I am much more willing to be gracious to others in their imperfection because I first applied that grace to myself. So as we work to become better versions of ourselves, it is important that we give ourselves room to be imperfect.

Fear: Dreamkillers on Speed!

I commit to loving the person I am right now. The first lines of my commitments page. Although many people write their new year’s resolutions in January, April seems to be a time of refocusing and recommitting for me. The first few days of this fourth month has been eventful. Confrontation seems to be the word of the month, and me being a confrontation phobic (is that a word, probably not) has felt the heat, and been very tempted to get my ass right out the kitchen. But fear is the very monster that swallows dreams. My fears, I can go on forever cause I got a stack full. And for all the bravado and confidence I may appear to have on the outside, I am quite the chicken. What I know for sure is one, confrontation must come in order to facilitate change and two fear is the killer of dreams. I am two for two, fortunately I don’t have an issue with self pity, if I did then all would be lost, but then you are reading this, so there is still hope.

One thing I have learned in my twenty-seven years of walking on earth is that if I have an issue, nine times out of ten, there are a good number of people that have the same issue. So today, I want you to think on your dreams, aspirations, visions etc.. and decide, is fear killing my dreams?

I love to write, I love to perform, I love to speak and I love, love, love, love, LOVE to sing! What keeps me from going after those things full force is fear. Fear of rejection, fear of failure and brace yourself, fear of success have all been issues that have plagued me along my journey. Right now, as I write this, I am convinced within my heart of hearts that I am on the verge of seeing a great many of my dreams come true, and you want to know the truth, I am afraid! Insecurity snuck in and told me that maybe I am not as talented as I believed myself to be and all the world is going to find out. But I’ve been drinking milk! My confidence bone is getting stronger, and it is beginning to drown out the fear voice, but it took some times to recognize just how fear was manifesting in my life.

I believe that procrastination is a manifestation of fear. Think about it, why is it that you haven’t recorded that last song, performed that poem that you feel will really touch someone, or pushed your recording like you should. You say, I don’t have the money, but my, those new shoes surely look good on you. You say, it’s not the right time, but the next time someone steps to you wrong on your nine to five, you are surely going to go off. Most of us are hiding gifts and talents inside of us, with the promise to ourselves that we’ll get to it, it will always be there, it’s not the right time, etc… Does this sound familiar? If so then ask yourself, what is it that has me in fear?

Perfectionism is another manifestation of fear. Nobody’s going to hear it, read it or see it till it’s perfect. PLEASE! It’ll collect dust and rot before you let it out there. What I’ve found as I have worked towards bettering my craft and skills is that, to be an artist, is to be naked. Just like Adam and Eve on day eight. We are laying our heart and souls on wax or canvas, and allowing all to oppose, ridicule, love or leave. It’s a scary thought, and that can lead us to bury our talent in a backyard along with the dream we just allowed to die.

As I wrote my commitments this April, I also committed to being proactive and actively pursuing my goals and visions. This for me means (big gulp) diligence, discipline and determination. I’ve always found it easy to motivate others to achieve, but now it is time to motivate myself. I could cop out, be the editor, the manager or the developer, but I’d be playing it safe like I did in middle school. Hooking up my friend with the guy I really wanted to date. I am tired of the side lines, and I am ready to see my dreams come to life. Most of all, I refuse to let fear kill my dreams.

Written April, 2005

You, Him and HIs Dream

How to find the balance when dating the young, fabulous and ambitious

We want him. We know we want him. A man with ambition. It is the reason why many of us dress ourselves in too tight shoes to stand in too packed clubs. We want that mover and shaker, the one who’s making deals and going places. Now before the defenses come out please understand I am not judging, just putting a voice to a truth we all already know.

So we’ve met him. It’s all gravy now, right? Well let’s think about it. Where is he on his journey to his dreams? He knows a lot of people, gets invited to some pretty swank parties and carries that air of confidence that magnetizes a room. But he also works all times of the evening. Where there should be snuggling, he has “blue glow” on his face from the computer screen.

It’s wonderful to meet someone on the verge, but we must realize, many men in their late twenties and early to mid thirties are still establishing themselves in their field, as many of us are. He may not be able to be the doting boyfriend you thought you’d have when you entered this relationship. Shelia’s boyfriend who works for UPS has time to stop by her job everyday and bring her lunch. Your ambitious love however, may be meeting an important client, and may only be able to meet you for dinner. Will this comparison cause him grief in the evening cause you where jealous while Shelia showed off her chicken Caesar salad?

There are two things I’d like you to consider while pondering this relationship with this young, fabulous and ambitious gentleman. Is he someone who works hard, but also makes time for you? Or, is he one who works with no regard to your wants and needs in the relationship? Being young, fabulous and ambitious is not a free pass for someone to disregard your wants and needs, but we must realize while in this partnership we may have to sacrifice a few creature comforts. Sacrifices however should be mutual and not one-sided.

In your commitment, do not forget to take care of yourself. Never lay your happiness in someone else’s hands. Be sure to be on the verge yourself. Don’t be the nagging, waiting girlfriend on the other end of the phone. Don’t be his beck and call girl. We know all to well that girlfriends and wives for that matter are being replaced everyday. Make yourself a priority and be honest about what you are actually getting from the relationship. Then make up your mind if it’s a relationship you want to keep. Know that a selfish, workaholic boyfriend often becomes a selfish, workaholic husband if you let him. He is not going to change. So if your emotional needs aren’t being met, take your glad bags and drop him before you become overly attached to someone who is not slightly attached to you.

A Better You

Honestly, it should probably be called a better me... but since life lessons are universal, I'll be more than happy to share. You have all kinds of options to improve yourself... I just want to be one of many resources you use!