This one is more personal, I posted it on my Facebook page, thought I'd put it here as well... blessings.
So... as many of you who know me know, I've been in becoming the woman I see in my head mode. Let me tell you, it's been a beast. I've realized some things about myself, 1 - I am lazy.. for real, I've been doing just enough to get by so long that it looks like I'm really trying to most people, and really, what I've been doing is half-ing it... So I accepted the challenge to not procrastinate... it's been a doozie! I've committed myself to wiping out the little foxes (that spoil the vines, See Song of Solomon) and it has exposed just how mediocre I've been.
A new challenge along with that has been to eat right, to treat my body like it is important, because, to accomplish the things I see in my head, it is! What I had noticed was an inability to get that habit down. I kept finding myself at the vending machine, or getting ice cream, or bringing my lunch and still going out to buy it. So I focused on my choices, and hit it up one choice at a time, and that works in some cases, but not in all. So that forced me to dig even deeper, and I discovered something about myself that I really wasn't aware of... I'm lustful.
Now generally we think of lust in a sexual sense... but I haven't been sexual, I made a commitment to shut it down until purpose and I are united in matrimony. So, lust should be outta there right.. not so fast, lust is not being satisfied with now. It is longing for what the eye sees. I lust after cars, other people's shapes and size, lust after homes, and all these things I believe I need, that keeps me from being satisfied with now. I also, lust after food. Once I realized that, I confessed it to God, and prayed for His way of getting past the sickness in my spirit, cause that's where the true problems lie. It's not the actions per se, but the underlying spiritual impetus that leads us to the behaviors we exhibit.
As a spiritual construct, when someone is delivered from something, they have to be delivered to something, less that space becomes clean, but empty and ready to be filled with the same spirit again, only stronger and harder to clean. So this morning, I put in google, what is the opposite of lust... and I found a great article on busted halo (http://www.bustedhalo.com/features/the-opposite-of-lust/) that states the opposite of lust is vulnerability... and that's why I am writing this note, cause that knocked me out like that one punch you needed to lose on Mike Tyson's punch out (Viva Nintendo!).
I am a guarded soul. Life in its harshness has taught me in my need to self protect (to preserve a sense of myself) that I need to keep my guard up. Vulnerability fills me with a sort of primal fear that cavemen must have felt when faced with a raptor. It is the kind of thing I know I need in order to unite with purpose, but never really had to face until now. Irony upon ironies (because God really does have a sense of humor) is right now at Awakenings we are talking about facing our fear. So now I am committed as I look away from lust to vulnerability to face my fear of letting people in my inner space. Letting the guard down and forming deeper relationships. Allowing myself to be vulnerable to attack and trusting God to be my protector and vindicator. It's some kind of serious the things that I am experiencing these days. It is exciting, but extremely difficult to face your raggedy and begin to actually go forward in full effort to work on these strongholds that I've always believed was just a part of who I was.
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